Christianity.

So, Young-Min wrote a Facebook note on his testimony. It ws really nice to read about the events he went through to bring his faith in God, but my response to his note ws this "This isn't really a testimony, but more of like..how I feel I guess.
I wish I had a heart like you.
I also wish I could call myself a Christian.
But sadly, I don't. Don't being sarcastic or anything but being me, and how I ws raised it's js like I feel like a good Christian when I have the "Christian high" around me and I pray. For example, Fresh...(yarr) Unroll Parchment. I wanted to be so dedicated to God and learn more about him, but after a month or so, I ws back to my old self. It's hard for me to model myself into a Christian bcus I don't have the motivation. Yknow, being in a family where no one really believes in God is hard. Especially on Sundays, where everyones at church and I'm sleeping in till 1. I hate being hypocritical, that's probably why I in a sense, don't want to be Christian. For example. Cussing. Young-Min, you know how much I cuss, and it's honestly a part of my daily speech, and my hatred towards my family. To me it's js everything I learn at church goes through one ear and comes out of the other. The past retreat I have no emotion whatsoever during prayer time. I couldn't come to kneeling down and really opening up. Something about myself js didn't want to. It's hard for me bcus every single day I can feel myself drifting away from God. About last month, yknow what I did, I told you.. if you don't remember js msg me, but after what I did about two days after I had a scissorlock. It ws the worst experience of my life. I tried so hard to believe that it wsn't really scissor lock, it ws js sleep paralysis.. and I did. About a week after, I had another one. Except this lasted about an hour. It felt as if I ws in Hell. But that still hasn't changed me. I don't know what to do anymore, but it's gone to the point where I js gave up. Thats what I have to say, but hopefull, one day I can give you a testimony." Now, that's only 5% of what I REALLY feel. He really wants me to pour out the other 95% of what I feel. So I'm going to do that here.

When I ws younger, I always believe there ws a God out there who loved me. The first church I recall going to is LACPC. Los Angeles Christian Presbyterian Church. I ws always the lonely girl who wanted to learn about God. I never felt welcomed there, but I thought that learning about God should be my main focus. Then my family started to slowly tear apart, while this ws happening my mom took my sister, brother, and me to ANC. I went there and met Jane Min. I think this ws when I ws in 4th grade? Somewhere around there, but I felt welcomed there, although I still felt like the new girl, I felt like I had a place. But this ws still when my parents were in the process of separating, so I stopped going. I still ws a strong believer is Christ and although it faded a little bit, I ws invited to go to WG, Worship God, when I ws in 7th grade. Here, I poured my heart out and I felt closer to God than EVER. I tried to convert all my friends into Christians. Then the reality of being in junior high really hit me, and I started drifting away. The only church related events I went to ws retreats. And even then, I wsn't going to get closer to God, I ws going to get away from my house and going to have fun with friends. Yeah, I went to church on SOME Fridays , if I felt like going.. but same thing. I didn't go to meet God, or create a bond. I think going to the last retreat I went to made me really realize how far I've gotten in the relationship with God. I felt no emotion or anything during service, or during prayer. I guess all the hype about believing "there is no God" has really gotten to me. Like, to me I feel that Christianity is the most hypocritical religion there is. There are so many questions about Christianity that my pastor has still yet to answer. And when he answers it, it still doesn't satisfy me bcus I know he's avoiding the real answer. And when I ask elders, they say, "well..I've heard." To me, I don't want to know what you've heard, I want you to answer my question. I feel like I've driven off course too far for me to get back. And even when I'm a Christian, how to I prevent the thoughts going INSIDE my head to be pure? Knowing myself, that will never happen. My heart is already so cold and dead...I can't come to my senses and open up my heart. I can't make myself vulnerable to God. I don't want Christianity to be a guilt-trip. I want it to be something that I'm PROUD of being. I want it to come naturally in my head, thoughts, and my actions. My heart and my mind want different things. My heart wants so badly to really feel God's embrace. My heart wants to be the Christian that God wants. No one knows that, they only know what my mind is. I know, my heart has this HUGE hole that can't be filled with the love of my friends, family, or anyone else. I'm js letting that hole affect everyone else around me, and they all know. My mind wants this reputation that I only need myself. That I'm SOOO strong, and I'm doing fine day after day. But no, I'm actually not doing fine. I want this connection with God so badly.. but I can't seem to make it work. I'm lost. Judge me, I don't care, but I used to believe you can believe in whatever you want to, as long as you're happy. But God is an addiction, you can leave him for a while, but you're gonna end up back hooked on Him.