Genuine .

Hard word to describe, eh? Dictionary.com defines genuine as "possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; not counterfeit; authentic; real." There comes up another word... authentic. Is anyone in the world really genuine? Authentic? Sadly, no. Or in my eyes, no one in genuine. No person in the world is them self. As human beings, we are all ideas of other people. Although a single human being cannot be genuine, our feelings can. I experience genuine happiness today. Sure, it lasted for a little bit.. but it wasn't artificial. It wasn't me wishing that I was happy so I was. It wasn't drugs, it wasn't a sugar rush, it wasn't anything. It was me accepting myself for who I am and not caring what other people thought of me. It was weird, I was always so caught up on other people's thoughts, what the newest trend was, or anything. I was what other people wanted to view me as, and today, I just decided to be myself. I accepted myself for that, and no one really noticed a difference. It was weird... because I didn't care if someone was like "Wow, Nicole's being weird today," or anything like that. I just wanted to be who I wanted to be. Another thing that made me happy was just being worry-free about love. Too many people in high school stress over love and break ups. I'm sorry to break it to you, but we're in high school. Focus on what's important and don't waste your childhood years. My secret? I love watching kiddy shows, just being a kid makes me happy. I don't want to ever grow up, but at the same time I'm getting more mature. It's a weird process. I don't need to look cool, I don't need to dress to impress, I don't need the drugs, I don't need the image. I need to be Nicole Kim. I accept that I'm still a kid and I love it. Learn that, maybe you'll find some happiness too. Get into a DILLIGAF mood, life will be so much easier. :)

-Nicole.

Girl: Why do you keep on following me?
Boy: Because you’re so pretty and I think I’m falling in love with you.
Girl: Really? But you haven’t met my friend yet. She’s prettier than me and she’s right behind you. The guy looked behind him but found no one.
Boy: Are you making fun of me? There’s no one behind me.
Girl: No, but if you really love me, you won’t look back.

Hi.

I want to talk to you. Sure, we've talked before, actually, we talk a lot... but we've never really really talked. You seem to cut your emotions off towards me. I want to js sit down and find out what you're really thinking. Talk over life. You were, and still always will be my oppa. Although you don't know it, you're the closest I've ever been with anybody. But now it's time for me to ask. Who are you? How are you? How have you been? I miss talking to you, and you know that. I've told you that. But you know what I hate about our friendship? You're closer to my best friend, and you tell her everything but when it comes to me... you only joke around. You only talk about going to raves, doing drugs, or going to some party...but why? Why can't you tell me the things you tell her. One day you'll realize how special you are to me, one day when I'm not bugging you and I'm out of your life, you'll remember all the times I tried so hard to js be accepted by you. And you're gonna regret it. I don't really care what others think of me, really. But whenever I'm around you, I care so much. I think twice before I say something, or I usually js shut my mouth bcus I don't want to say something stupid. That's why whenever I'm around you I get really quiet, I don't make it too obvious, but I do. Can't you accept me for js me? No? Is that too much to ask for. It's hard pretending to impress you and talk to you and knowing that you'll never know the real Nicole Kim. The real Nicole that gets really nervous when you come around, when you lean on me, or when you js say "Hey Nicole, wsup?!" Yes, my away msg ws towards you, and you found out. Sweater weather got me thinking about you. You were joking, but I wanted to say so badly, "Yes ________, it really is towards you, and thank you for being there for me when I ws freezing my ass off." But I'll js stick with joking around with you. Gotta uphold being the Nicole you know, right? But all I'll really get is the "Lol, _____________________." And I don't think you really know how much that hurts me. But I know you care for me, you said so yourself. Do you remember? You said it heaps of times, but I'm not sure if they're the truth. So, your codename is oppa. Because thats what you are to me. You're one of the guys that I consider family... but you'll never know that. Will you?

We both know

that we like each other. That secretly, all we want is to be with each other. That really, we keep saying we'll never get a significant other when we're standing right in front of each other. Each text kills me bcus I know that a "us" or a "we" will never be. You'll js be there, a best friend, an oppa, someone I can rely on. But why did you come into my life now? Why a month before? I've known you for over two years now, but why did we become so close now? There's too many questions going on in my head... I needa make a long list. Js finished reading TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY, it's an amazing book. But it got me thinking... I'm going to put more thought into my blogs now...especially on the one that I'm going to write tmrw after the football game. But really, why? Why now... why me. I'm sure eventually you'll js turn into a friend, and we'll forget about this whole little episode, but who knows? What if you're really what I've been looking for. No. I can't say that. I. Need. To. Keep. My. Vision. Focused. On. You. And you know exactly who you are. But he doesn't. Sounds like a total K-drama, huh? Haha, maybe one day I'll publish my life story and you'll never know it ws about you, him, and me.

Christianity.

So, Young-Min wrote a Facebook note on his testimony. It ws really nice to read about the events he went through to bring his faith in God, but my response to his note ws this "This isn't really a testimony, but more of like..how I feel I guess.
I wish I had a heart like you.
I also wish I could call myself a Christian.
But sadly, I don't. Don't being sarcastic or anything but being me, and how I ws raised it's js like I feel like a good Christian when I have the "Christian high" around me and I pray. For example, Fresh...(yarr) Unroll Parchment. I wanted to be so dedicated to God and learn more about him, but after a month or so, I ws back to my old self. It's hard for me to model myself into a Christian bcus I don't have the motivation. Yknow, being in a family where no one really believes in God is hard. Especially on Sundays, where everyones at church and I'm sleeping in till 1. I hate being hypocritical, that's probably why I in a sense, don't want to be Christian. For example. Cussing. Young-Min, you know how much I cuss, and it's honestly a part of my daily speech, and my hatred towards my family. To me it's js everything I learn at church goes through one ear and comes out of the other. The past retreat I have no emotion whatsoever during prayer time. I couldn't come to kneeling down and really opening up. Something about myself js didn't want to. It's hard for me bcus every single day I can feel myself drifting away from God. About last month, yknow what I did, I told you.. if you don't remember js msg me, but after what I did about two days after I had a scissorlock. It ws the worst experience of my life. I tried so hard to believe that it wsn't really scissor lock, it ws js sleep paralysis.. and I did. About a week after, I had another one. Except this lasted about an hour. It felt as if I ws in Hell. But that still hasn't changed me. I don't know what to do anymore, but it's gone to the point where I js gave up. Thats what I have to say, but hopefull, one day I can give you a testimony." Now, that's only 5% of what I REALLY feel. He really wants me to pour out the other 95% of what I feel. So I'm going to do that here.

When I ws younger, I always believe there ws a God out there who loved me. The first church I recall going to is LACPC. Los Angeles Christian Presbyterian Church. I ws always the lonely girl who wanted to learn about God. I never felt welcomed there, but I thought that learning about God should be my main focus. Then my family started to slowly tear apart, while this ws happening my mom took my sister, brother, and me to ANC. I went there and met Jane Min. I think this ws when I ws in 4th grade? Somewhere around there, but I felt welcomed there, although I still felt like the new girl, I felt like I had a place. But this ws still when my parents were in the process of separating, so I stopped going. I still ws a strong believer is Christ and although it faded a little bit, I ws invited to go to WG, Worship God, when I ws in 7th grade. Here, I poured my heart out and I felt closer to God than EVER. I tried to convert all my friends into Christians. Then the reality of being in junior high really hit me, and I started drifting away. The only church related events I went to ws retreats. And even then, I wsn't going to get closer to God, I ws going to get away from my house and going to have fun with friends. Yeah, I went to church on SOME Fridays , if I felt like going.. but same thing. I didn't go to meet God, or create a bond. I think going to the last retreat I went to made me really realize how far I've gotten in the relationship with God. I felt no emotion or anything during service, or during prayer. I guess all the hype about believing "there is no God" has really gotten to me. Like, to me I feel that Christianity is the most hypocritical religion there is. There are so many questions about Christianity that my pastor has still yet to answer. And when he answers it, it still doesn't satisfy me bcus I know he's avoiding the real answer. And when I ask elders, they say, "well..I've heard." To me, I don't want to know what you've heard, I want you to answer my question. I feel like I've driven off course too far for me to get back. And even when I'm a Christian, how to I prevent the thoughts going INSIDE my head to be pure? Knowing myself, that will never happen. My heart is already so cold and dead...I can't come to my senses and open up my heart. I can't make myself vulnerable to God. I don't want Christianity to be a guilt-trip. I want it to be something that I'm PROUD of being. I want it to come naturally in my head, thoughts, and my actions. My heart and my mind want different things. My heart wants so badly to really feel God's embrace. My heart wants to be the Christian that God wants. No one knows that, they only know what my mind is. I know, my heart has this HUGE hole that can't be filled with the love of my friends, family, or anyone else. I'm js letting that hole affect everyone else around me, and they all know. My mind wants this reputation that I only need myself. That I'm SOOO strong, and I'm doing fine day after day. But no, I'm actually not doing fine. I want this connection with God so badly.. but I can't seem to make it work. I'm lost. Judge me, I don't care, but I used to believe you can believe in whatever you want to, as long as you're happy. But God is an addiction, you can leave him for a while, but you're gonna end up back hooked on Him.

I've decided

that genuine people don't always come from where you live. Many of the people who you will be lifelong friends with you meet online. But also, the other way around. I've learned too many lessons in my life in the past year. Trust has become an issue. If I give you my trust, don't fuck around with it, cause trust me. I'll never be the same person towards you.

damn..

i love that he tells me all his problems and trust me with his secrets. <3 i js can't explain the feeling he shoots through my body. js.. indescribable.

christine concepcion - and seek
BEST SONG EVER.

Woah

it's been a WHOLE summer since i've written in this. Well, i guess i wsnt really "missing out" because i've been writing in my journal .. like paper and pen :) next post will be a recap of summer, it wont be that long cuhs i honestly didnt really do anything. hm, i guess for now i'll js say that my life sucks. LOL, so yeah. update this tmrw! i'll be updating weekly from now on js to vent, blog, whatever LALALA. okay, BYE :D

School

I guess I'm supposed to be working on my journals and projects right now.. but oh well. I'll live, short short short post right now, i'll prolly edit it later on and type up my journals I'm writing for CWA? possibly, well byebye for now.

Recap on L I F E

I haven't been posting on this AT ALL. Tbh; I actually forgot about this -_-. WELL! I made myself a reminder to update this at least once a week (hopefully) if I'm not busy. But for the most part, I'll be updating on this quite a lot. Hm, so from past October... A LOT has happened. Homecoming, Mac going away, Drama, Spring Break, San Francisco, finding out Mac's coming back... well let's js say a hell load has happened. I'll try to recap on everything I guess, but excuse me if I'm a little bit lacky on the details, it's been a while. So let's go in order (:

HOMECOMING - The first REAL dance that I've been to and I gotta say it was AMAZING. It ws probably one of the best memories from freshman year. I met MANY MANY MANY people. It ws simply the best part of high school, by far. My group was possibly the best group ever (:

MAC LEAVING - Eugh, well wsnt this js devastating news to hear... I remember that call from his mom. So i totally broke down thinking about it... cus no one knew when he ws gonna come back. I would give more information about this BUT, whatever. There's a happy ending.

SPRING BREAK/SAN FRANCISCO - Basically sleep late, wake up late. Yeah, HAHA KIDDING! I went to Six Flags with Yejin, Yena, Patrick, Henry, and Dustin. Although this wsnt the highlight of spring break, it ws sure fun :D MOVING ON to San Francisco, basically the trip that people have been waiting for since the beggining of the year :]

DAY 1 - Waking up at 6AM, last minute packing, going to Vons with Jane Min and bought a fuck load of food for the whole trip. Then got picked up by Jisoo's mom and went to school. Excitement filled the air; but it ws so crowded trying to get all your instruments and luggages to where it had to be(ESP BCUS I HAD TO CARRY AN EXTRA DUFFLE CUS OF THE DAMN FOOD) but yeah. The trip wsnt so bad, except for the fact Jisoo nd I had to switch sitting next to "scary boy." I'll explain more about him later. HAHA! Well, after like 8(?) hours of driving we ended up at Berkely. I swear, the campus made me wanna shoot myself. SOFA KING BORING. HAHA! I think after this we js drove to where we were going to have our Dinner Cruise. I gotta say, it ws pretty fun! Dancing, Eating, Socializing, what else is there to love? I took a bunch of pictures. I gotta say, seeing Mr. Schick breakdance ws pretty interesting. HAHAHA! Well then, after everyone ws ko'ed! Traveled a little bit longer to our hotel. Damn, ws that hell getting the luddge UP to our room, shitt, i thought putting it to where it needed to be at school ws hard, lemme tell you whats hard. Lugagge + Duffel + Trumpet case.. YEAH -_- My room ws PRETTY CHILL! Jane Min, Jisoo Cha, and Hanna Yoon. I gotta say, best roomies ever.(: I shared a bed with Jisoo Cha next to the window(oh yeah) and Jane & Hanna closer to the bathroom(yuck.) We didn't do much on the first night...everyone ws exausted.

Day 2 - Waking up at 6AM to get ready for the day. I honestly cannot remember most of the day, but I'll write what i remember. It ws our day to js chill around San Fransisco. We went to some hippie ass street, WHICH I BOUGHT A SHIRT FROM AMERICAN APPAREL :D Also bought some other stuff from KidRobot. (San Fransisco it's so unique unlike La Crescenta. In La Crescenta, it's js the same old ppl, but there... well there ws diversity.) OH YEAH! We also saw this person that ws i guess on ANTM, cus Jisoo Cha started freaking out and i ws like "uhh. okay." LOL. Too bad i stopped following ANTM a while ago... oh well. (: We also got a tour of San Francisco, which included walking across the Golden Gate Bridge (which ws hell) but fun. I took a video and it's up on Youtube . <-- THERE YOU GO :D. Hm, what else, what else. AH! got it, we also when to the GIANTS game. I never liked the Giants, bcus the team honestly, suck imo. But, what made me hate them more is their fucking ignorant little minds. WHO FUCKING CARES IF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS IS WEAR AN LA DODGER HAT. Srsly, get out of your own little world. I swear, I wish I could put those son of a bitches in the middle of a Dodger game and get their asses kicked. LOL! Idk, people are js so absent minded these days, and don't care what they say anymore...oh my ws so pissed. LOL! Then of course our hotel room. We didnt do much, but it ws sure fun staying up and watching CSI: Miami :)

Day 3 - Performance Day! :D MY LORD! ALL I REMEMBER IS MY HEELS FUCKING KILLNG ME ALIVE. That big ass hill, goddamn mother fucker i ws gonna kill myself. HAHAHA! Well, overall performance ws uber fun. Too bad string had to stay longer, but band got to go back to the hotel and js kick it! Man, it ws pretty fun. I hung out in the hotel room for a little bit with JaneMin and Hanna, then played a little wii in the lobby, then the FITNESS ROOM! BAHAHAHA! :D Jane took some pretty funny video's there :) Hm, then we had awards, i gotta say... CV KICKED ASSSSSSSSSSS! And then the dance portion, damn. Almost as good as those y-dances. This is where C.R came about, LOL! pretty intesne freaking there. oh yeah and i got asstapped ... which ws pretty nasty. lordy, it ws a tiring night, i think we js ktfo'd when we got back to our room.

Day 4 - Last day at San Fransisco. ): We spent it at the amusement park! Oh yeah, no fears there. We saw RABBI KO there, damn ws it a nice face to see after a bunch of shit that happened, hahaha. I bought a Patrick backpack! Soo cute. Hm, what else, oh yeah DROP TOWER ws prolly like the best ride EVER! What a way to end San Fransisco. It's basically like Supreme Scream, funfun. Oh yeah, and we rode this water raft right 3 times, yeah. I WS SOAKING WET -___- The day went way too quickly to digest though, *sigh. On the ride home, I ws still wet from the ride , naaaaaasty. Then we got a dinner break at the same place we stopped for lunch on the way to San Fransisco. For like the last hour of the bus ride home, our little asn crew ws playing LOUD ASS games like tokkitokki, fry pan nodi, assa, and babo. LOL! what can i say but....


BUS B!

By far, the best spring break ever.